No I'm not returning as of yet, I just came across something interesting, and I didn't feel like waiting a week to post it. Now when I say interesting I mainly mean to me, because of the personal nature of it, and when it was written. I went on my Myspace page (yes I have one of those. No I hardly go on anymore, but really who does anymore? unless your a starving artist looking for your big break) and I found a list I made, back when I was 22. It was a list of things I wanted to achieve before I died, and I found it amusing, that some of the things on that list I still want, some are just silly, and some I don't see as important anymore ..so here goes..
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Feb 6th 2007
I decided to make a list (in no specific order) of what I want to happen in the future..What I want to accomplish, and hope will come to pass...I think in the future I'll want to make a few additions to that list...but I'm 22 and got a whole lot more too see and want ..(hopefully) but here it is now...
1) To have a family of my very own, husband..and yes im sayin it here..4 kids! I already got two names picked out...kai and jayla..
2)To become a facilitator going into different communities teaching youth about homophobia and racism..breaking down assumptions and stereotypes ( i need to work on that myself as well..no one is perfect)
3)To get into school and stick with it this time
4)To open a crisis center/community center for gay,lesbian,bi, transgendered youth dealing with anything from racism to drug addiction to just needing someone they can talk to
5)To star and direct my very own home made porn
6)To have my parents not just tolerate but accept my sexuality
7)Learning how to cook for my man and friends
8)Visit the Caribbean only cause Ive heard enough about it from the people ive been meeting these past few years (even tho i have been to the Dominican republic wen I was younger...)
9)Be part of something i believe in ...like a human rights protest
10)Let everyone know that they can come to me when they have a problem..and that i will do everything in power to help them ...even tho sometimes I need help too
11)Live to see the day when there will be a gay rap/hip hop artist that makes it to the mainstream
12)Make my man happy
13)See all my friends get married and have kids
14)Have a spiritual experience where I'am visited by my aunt who Ive never met
15)Hope that karma repays the one who broke my heart and played with the emotions of others
16)Become a sex symbol (I need to work on my abbs!!! and bad lol)
17)Make a documentary about racism in Gay culture today
18)Have sex on the beach
19)Get more tattoos, and piercings
20)Meet Ashanti and tell her how much she helped me threw a really rough period in my life
21)Pray more
22)See my children fall in love
23)To paint something huge and have it not suck
24)To be a go go boy for one night only
25)To keep reinventing myself every year
26)To finally be happy
27)To have multiple orgasms in a 6 hour period
28)Dry hump a celebrity of my choice (male of course)
29)To make a decent income
30)To never loose trust/faith in G-d again
31)Represent every ghetto Israeli out there!!!!
32)Visit Africa
33)To be a good,kind compassionate person for years to come
34)CENSORED
35)World peace
All I have to say to this is Wow. This was a real blast from the past, a time capsule if you will. I feel like I'm just now starting this list at 27, when I should have started at 22...I feel like my career path has also changed, mainly because I been threw some of these Gay organizations, and really didn't like the way they were runned. or the fact that Ive never really gotten any support from them. Whoa to (15) .. I have an idea who that was about, and I'm glad that Ive forgiven them, and wish I could have taken what I said back. I decided to censor (34) just because it was pretty personal, and to be honest I'm very much over it. It really doesn't bother me, anymore. While I haven't lost my faith in G-d since then, I defiantly have been putting my faith on the back burner. Only recently have I started to pray more, and talk to G-d (guess it took another crisis for that to happen). I have to say though that I'm still pretty proud at the fact, that with all the time that has past, my number one goal is to still have a family. Only now I would prefer 3 kids instead of 4...oh ya and I still want world peace..only I'm the ruling it, and I make everyone bow down to me.
I also found this interesting poem I wrote..
I feel like my whole world is falling apart, and I have no control over what is destined to become.
Everything has become a cruel joke, and the punch-line is too bitter.
I'm too close to the edge of the cliff, and I feel the wind beneath my fingertips.
It howls, and I listen with the hope it can drown out my screams.
The tear drops become the ripples in the sea, my reflection dashed away by the current.
With the rising mists I feel the coldness of my loneliness.
August 2, 2006 (which means right before I turned 22)
So I gotta ask myself this... WHAT THE EFF WAS I GOING THREW AT THAT TIME???
No seriously, its almost suicidal, which to be honest, I (foolishly) was thinking about from the ages of 20 to 22. I'm glad that Ive gotten stronger then this, and even though I get lonely sometimes, I handle it way better now,,,now if you excuse me I need to go over to my corner and cry.
heres Stewie being a very naughty boy..
