Breathe

 * I posted this last week...but decided to take it off...upon reflection I have decided to re post it..

I do the STUPIDEST things sometimes! I mean really DUMB
Why do I keep engaging in self-destructive behavior....and for what???
This is not the person I thought I would be when I was 18...
I remember growing up and telling myself that I was worthless..to always just stay in the background where no one could see me. BUT when I turned 18 I decided to make a change. I decided that I deserved to find Love and to keep it.
But look where thats led me to...I sought attention from all the wrong places, and settled for GARBAGE
I gave in because I thought I couldn't find anything better...and all that did in the end was make me even more insecure, and crazy.

When it comes to Men I keep making the same old excuses
They don't know what they want
They are going through something in their lives
They aren't ready for something more
Somethings causing them to act this way
But I just say those things to make me feel better about the situation...And its not like I'm not to blame for some of it. I keep pushing, and pushing for their time..for them to acknowledge me, and that just makes me come off as annoying, and makes me seem selfish...The same could be said about my friendships..
I just wish they would make time for me in their lives without me having to ask them for it.

I use to be an atheist..but I found G-d in my early 20's ...but what good is finding G-d when you can't do right by him? If  I'm such a good person, like I think I'am, why do I keep making the same old mistakes, over and over again??..I know that I'm an amazing person, and I know that I want to help others...but why can't I find my way?

To those who are in my life, and for those to come (and I don't just mean "Lovers") please if you LOVE me then don't just tell me..SHOW ME.
And if you don't want to be part of my life then have enough respect to tell me goodbye.
Be HONEST with me, because it would just be better in the long run..don't worry about hurting my feelings..better now than later!
I'm done...time to make a major change like I did when I was about to turn 20..only this time I'm hoping to do it better!
I love my friends, and I love my family, and I'm sick of loosing people ..and I hope I don't have to